Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
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Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?