Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
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What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I would move hell over six inches for you
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
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Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
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A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
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2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.