Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
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The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Wait a minute
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
How it started: How it’s going:
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces