[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
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Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Buck naked
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”