boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
You Might Also Like
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”