Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
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Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Best seat on the street 😍
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.