Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
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IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
get you a girl who
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I know this now 😂