Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
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[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5