Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
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ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*