[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
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I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
584.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city