[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
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My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
The days of good grammer has went
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
🤣🤣🤣
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.