4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
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8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
#Caturday
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON