Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
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“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
only 11 steps left
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.