I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
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Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??