Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
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Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
lmao
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.