Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
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dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
[montage of me giving-up]
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
U talkin 2 me?
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.