Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
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[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
yeah no that’s fair
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper