[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
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Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing