Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
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Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.