I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
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went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I put the h in mysterious.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin