*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
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reverse psychology? that’ll never work
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
The three genders.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Well, this certainly took a turn
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.