Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
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Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Sell your car
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.