him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
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Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.