Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
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“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now