My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
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Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I wish this was real life…
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing