The opposite of Iceland is water water
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I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.