In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
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My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper