Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
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Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that