No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
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*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool