serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
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WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
You learn something every day
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)