My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
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My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza