science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
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me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor