Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
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shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
lol
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe