But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
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Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Hot Hot Hot
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Bill is short for Billiam
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.