men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
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ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.