Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…