ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
You Might Also Like
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment