You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
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No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.