Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.