All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
You Might Also Like
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]