Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
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in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Good boy 😂😂
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.