I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
You Might Also Like
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Did I do this right
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.