Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
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Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.