I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
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me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.