Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
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me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.