ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
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“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Food gives you energy to nap more.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.