I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
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me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Breaking news:
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.