*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
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Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I’m confused about plants
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.