God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
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Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Siri, fight Alexa.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs