My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
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How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Simple
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.